Hef and the girls circa 2001 (me all the way on the right 19 yrs old). I’m not proud of my past, in fact, I’m quite ashamed of the life I once lived. Everyday young girls move to LA searching for a glitzy and glamorous life in Hollywood thinking they will be happier, more fulfilled and/or achieve success. Unfortunately, the reality is that Hollywood is full of spiritually starved, insecure and lost human beings on a perpetual search for “more” paradoxically leading them to feel like “less” of a person. It is too easy to completely lose a sense of who you are and find yourself living an empty, purposeless, self-indulgent life full of shame and remorse. Then become addicted to a substance that medicates the shame that is killing you. Most of the girls I came in contact with ended up addicted to something, trying desperately to escape their internal existential pain. I know this pain too well and can see it from a mile away. Bring surrounded by it made me realize how meaningless material things, attention and money really are when it comes to real joy, peace and serenity. Self worth does not come from attention, money or things, it can only build on actions of love and service to others. I am grateful that my addiction became so unbearable I had to find a way to fill the “hole in my soul”. Things outside of me cannot change how I feel on the inside (for longer than a few minutes) only God can do that. Without being brought to my knees by alcohol I would’ve never found Gratitude and if I never found Gratitude I would’ve never found God.

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